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· I R NUKE
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1,013 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Supposedly these are real. Thought some of the pilots on here might like these.


****************************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

**************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

*************************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long rollout after touching down.

San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.

If you are not able, take the Guadelupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

*************************** There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked".

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

******************************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

*****************************
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

******************************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing llike yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

*******************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

******************************
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

********************************
A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.

The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!' The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 Pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?...'
The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a Cinnamon bun.'
 

· Speed on... Hell ain't half full
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LOL... some of those are priceless.
 

· 5.7L Hemi Registry # 00601 Sharp Charge
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I've heard some funny things on the Freq's while working. Some of the best come when the pilots don't know someone has a hot mic. We had 1 female pilot going on for about 10 min when her mic was hot while parked for a delay. After she realized and I subsequently cleared her for take off I made a comment about what she was talking about, the co pilot had to respond because she was so embarrassed. OOPS! LOL
 

· Premium Member
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6,782 Posts
One of my favorites...

Brian Shul said:
One day, high above Arizona, we were monitoring the radio traffic of all the mortal airplanes below us. First, a Cessna pilot asked the air traffic controllers to check his ground speed. 'Ninety knots,' ATC replied. A twin Bonanza soon made the same request. 'One-twenty on the ground,' was the reply. To our surprise, a navy F-18 came over the radio with a ground speed check. I knew exactly what he was doing. Of course, he had a ground speed indicator in his cockpit, but he wanted to let all the bug-smashers in the valley know what real speed was. 'Dusty 52, we show you at 620 on the ground,' ATC responded. The situation was too ripe. I heard the click of Walter's mike button in the rear seat. In his most innocent voice, Walter startled the controller by asking for a ground speed check from 81,000 feet, clearly above controlled airspace. In a cool, professional voice, the controller replied, 'Aspen 20, I show you at 1,982 knots on the ground.' We did not hear another transmission on that frequency all the way to the coast.
 

· Real Bees are Blue
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352 Posts
This one actually happened to me...

After spending 17 years with a commuter airline, I landed my dream job with my first choice of major airlines. Unfortunately, the radio call signs of my previous employer and my new employer were quite similar. I had *really* concentrated on not doing the dreaded screw-up of using the wrong call sign. I made it about six months: We were in Chicago approach control's airspace, and it was saturated. Very high workload environment. It was rush hour, the weather was bad, and approach was having to space aircraft for IMC approaches. This is just about as busy as it gets. The controller issued me a very complex set of instructions. I was so proud of myself: I knew exactly what he said, and was going to give a perfect readback. Which I did, using the call sign of my previous airline. The controller, without missing a beat, said, "Congratulations on the new job, xxxxx101, now turn right heading 065, maintain two thousand five hundred until established, cleared ILS runway XXX".
 

· has been pardoned by the language filter
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1,577 Posts
A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.

The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!' The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 Pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?...'
The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a Cinnamon bun.'
This was the straw that broke the camels back... I'm rolling over here.

I also love that SR71 story.
 

· What do I look like, a comedian?
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8,633 Posts
These are all great...

Who's going to bring out the service logs now?
Pilot wrote up on Service Log: "Something broken in cockpit."

Technician wrote up, "Something fixed in cockpit."

:mrgreen:

Love the C-130 and the SR-71 responses!! :not_worth
 

· Lima X-ray Three Zero Zero Charlie
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1,751 Posts
Working as a controller in Silicon Valley we have some individuals who aren't used to be told what to do... I'll have to post some things from our saved quotes...
 

· 5.7L Hemi Registry # 00601 Sharp Charge
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All of those are great...

For those that are controllers, what are the school requirements , and average pay ?

If you don't mind....
Right now the FAA is hiring like mad. Basic school is either one of the colleges that offers an ATC program or a former military controller. You must be hired by your 31 birthday too. There is an occasional job bid for people right off the street where the FAA will train you from the ground up, I don't know anyone who has gone this route though. Here is a link to the various schools that offer ATC training: http://www.faa.gov/about/office_org...nits/acquisition/aja51/cti/AT-CTI_Schools.cfm

Average pay is a whole other story. ATC facilities have different complexity ratings which effects what you make. For example, I work at Cleveland Tower, we're a level 10 facility, Cleveland Center is a level 12 facility even though we're in the same area they make more than I do. I'm not going to get into all the issues with our contract and the pay structure there, if your interested PM me or 1 of the other controllers on here.

Here's another link to the FAA's site on ATC: http://www.faa.gov/jobs/job_opportunities/airtraffic_controllers/
 

· Lima X-ray Three Zero Zero Charlie
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1,751 Posts
I'm helping train several people that came 'off-the-street' with no aviation education/background. I went the college route but the min requirement is US Citizen and high school diploma/GED. I work at a level 6 tower, start at $45K and fully certified make $62K. We have the highest locality adjustment in the country of something around 34% so location and level of facility affects pay. The busier and more complex the higher the level. The higher paying jobs in your area the higher the locality to 'compete' with private industry. I believe Alaska and Hawaii still get Cost Of Living Adjustment (COLA) to make it affordable to work there as a controller. Feel free to PM us if you want more specific info.
 

· Georgia LX Club
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419 Posts
this looks like a good thread for these:

Aviation & Military Truisms

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."

From an old carrier sailor:
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies."

"Never trade luck for skill."

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?"
"Where are we?"
and "OH SH1T!"

"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."

"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."

Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."

"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."

"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."

"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum." - Jon McBride, astronaut

"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible." - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
 

· 5.7L Hemi Registry # 00601 Sharp Charge
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And just remember when you decide to fly, Takeoff's are optional but landing is mandatory.
 

· Premium Member
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All of those are great...

For those that are controllers, what are the school requirements , and average pay ?

If you don't mind....
Like the others have said, it depends on where you work. Facilities are assigined a "level" from 1-12. I believe 1-5 are contract towers and not employed by the FAA. Each level has a payband that is assigned to it.

Here is a chart that shows it. This is before locality pay, night pay, sunday pay, holiday pay, overtime, etc......

 
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