woofer in boot/trunk!!

[Ron380]

Did you hear about the adult film star who could remember all the lines from every movie she ever made?

She had a pornographic memory.

[Mitsuru]

[Mitsuru]

[img]http://www.maxfarquar.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/Fish-*******s.jpg[/img]

[Ron380]

Probably NSFW!








Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and
Grandfathers? Well, here it is:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend
time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take
his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality
time - pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel
like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to
their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue
and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive and
breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her
grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with
grandma?" he asked.

"Not really, Grampy. It was really boring. We didn't see a single *******,
queer, lesbian, piece of crap, horse's ass, blind bastard, dip****, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[Ron380]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room he himself a bit tipsy and lonely, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks"

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."



(P.S. - Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either)

[Mitsuru]

A gay man went to church on Sunday morning and when they passed the collection basket,
he dropped in $50. When the minister saw this, he asked him to stand up.

The minister said that in honor of his generous contribution he could take his choice of three
hymns. The gay man stood, turned toward the congregation, then lisped, "Okay, I'll take him,
and him, and him."

[Mitsuru]

[Mitsuru]

Checking out at the supermarket, the young cashier suggested
to the older woman that she should bring her own shopping bags because
plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing
back in my earlier days."

The cashier responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did
not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.
Back then, we returned milk bottles, fizzy drinks bottles and beer
bottles to the shops. The shops sent them back to the factory to be
washed and sterilised and refilled, so it could use the same bottles
over and over. So they really were recycled.

We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we
replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole
razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the green
thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every shop
and office building.
We walked to the grocery shop and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower
machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't
have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's nappies because we didn't have the
throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling
machine -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our #
early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters,
not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right.
We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every
room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember
them?), not a screen the size of Yorkshire. In the kitchen, we blended
and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do
everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the post,
we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic
bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just
to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We
exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on
treadmills that operate on electricity.
But she's right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

We drank water from a fountain or a tap when we were thirsty instead of
demanding a plastic bottle flown in from another country. We accepted
that a lot of food was seasonal and didn’t expect that to be bucked by
flying it thousands of air miles around the world. We actually cooked
food that didn’t come out of a packet, tin or plastic wrap and we could
even wash our own vegetables and chop our own salad. We didn't have the
green thing in our day.

Back then, people took the tram or a bus, and kids rode their bikes to
school or walked instead of turning their mothers into a 24-hour taxi
service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of
sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerised
gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in
space in order to find the nearest pizza joint. Yeah, we just didn't
have the green thing in our day.

Lifes like that!

[Mitsuru]

[Mitsuru]

A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York
City. He found a saleslady, and told her, "I would like a
Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B."

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"

He repeated "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted
a Jewish bra, and that you would know "what she means."

"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many
requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately
want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the
Presbyterian bra."

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked, "So, what are
the differences?"

The saleslady responded "It is all really quite simple. The
Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army bra lifts up
the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and
upright."

He mused on that information for a minute, and asked, "So, what
does the Jewish bra do?"

"The Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of molehills."

[Mitsuru]

From the Cock Pit

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its
cruising altitude, the Captain announced:

'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to
Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto.
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth,
uneventful flight. So sit back,relax and.....

OH, MY GOD !'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the Captain came back on the PA;

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While
I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally
spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the
front of my pants!'

One old Jewish passenger yelled, 'oiy vey' you should see
the back of mine! '

[Mitsuru]

Computer trouble!

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year
old next door whose bedroom looks like MissionControl, and asked him to
come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He
replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T
error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little sh..

[Mitsuru]

the Girl on the Plane

A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when
he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go
quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and
said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the congressman. 'How about global warming
or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.

OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do
you suppose that is?'

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to
discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know
sh*t?

[Mitsuru]

Guerillas on The London Underground

The London Underground has long been the playground for photoshoppers
doctoring existing signs or adding their own.

































Guerillas on The London Underground | The Poke:

[Mitsuru]

Just cross connection with an old ebay jokes thread of mine off a year ago but still very funny.
Watch add and an ex-girlfriend you read, and wet your pants!