Office humor

[the hurse]

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK....

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of **** .

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing &still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.

[monkey]

My goal is to use 3 of these out loud today...and I will have plenty of opportunity

[Jina's Embroidery]

Team work means, everybody doing what I say.

You must get up very early to be this dumb in one day.

[GRL70]

Don't let your mind wander. You'll never find your way back.

[joescat]

Laughs from Employee Performance Evaluations
============================================

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember,
it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from
federal government employee performance evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom
and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more
of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like
a rat in a trap."

5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change
feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails
to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the
better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it
all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary
ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the
other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train
isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out
looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get
change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only
gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

[COLORADOMAGNUM]

Those are all priceless. Loved both lists!!!