Hubby's response to the NYC ticket...priceless!
For those of you who did not see my thread regarding a recent ticket...here is the background. Basically, we were sent a ticket that supposedly I ran a red light in the magnum in NYC a few weeks ago...well, haven't been to NYC in about 18 years....they ran the plate wrong.
Hubby, being an attorney, decided to have a little fun with this when sending back the ticket letting them know it wasn't us...YES HE ACTUALLY IS SENDING THIS LETTER...it is in the mail as we speak. The only difference...he cleaned up the grammar and spelling mistakes...so...here you go....and yes, he is a licensed attorney. LOL LOL LOL
NYC Department of Finance
Red Light Camera Monitoring Program
66 John Street, Second Floor
New York, NY 10038
Re: The City of New York
John M. XXX
Please be advised that I have received your Notice of Liability and I am contesting liability on the following grounds:
1. Red light cameras are unconstitutional. Just ask the City of Charlotte, which, by the way, probably has a plethora of lightly used red light camera equipment for sale at a bargain price!
2. The City of New York lacks jurisdiction. I have never been to New York and with the further graces of my Maker, I will never, ever, have to step foot in your lovely State, or City. Sorry, but no offense, I like my grits, liver mush, chittlins’, fried okra, barbequed squirrel, venison stew and possum pot pie. I will be staying here, thank you very much. And sorry, but I do not even want to visit!
3. I claim the defense of duress on behalf of the driver. Obviously, being in the City of New York you want to get out as quickly as possible, thus, he ran a red light trying to leave in a hurry!
4. I claim the defense of self defense on behalf of the driver. While you cannot see it in the grainy, poor quality photo, I would bet that the driver was fleeing from a mob of gang bangers that, at least according to redneck lore, have overrun your city.
5. Lack of caffeine. Obviously, being 8:04am, the driver had not yet consumed his morning beverage full of caffeine and was not awake at the time he ran the redlight. Does he not get a first time freebie?
6. Lack of oxygen. According to more redneck lore, your city is so full of pollution that it cannot be possible for a human being to breathe your air. Therefore, it would seem plausible that the driver was incapacitated by smog-laden air and unable to detect the stoplight emitting the red signal.
7. Lack of a cloning device. Unfortunately....or maybe fortunately, according to some folks, including my wife, I have yet to find a way to clone myself, so there is only one of me. That being the case, it would have been difficult for me to be in your city being photographed by your camera on January 23, 2008 at 8:04am as I was sitting in Charlotte traffic on my way to a court appearance at the Mecklenburg County Courthouse. Based on my crude math, I would have been about 650 miles away at the time. Yes, Hemi-powered Magnum (oh, and we will get to that in a minute) is fast, but its not THAT fast!
8. The car that has the HEMI tag on it belongs to my wife, not me. Yes, I know, maybe the muscle car should be driven by me. I have tried that logic with my wife too, but it has failed miserably. She has a lead foot, likes it that way, and I pity any teenager that pulls up to a stoplight in their little rice burnin’ tuner car or late model ‘Stang and dares her to a race. Whoa Nelly! All they are going to see is rear end of that red Magnum and that tag that reads HEMI (yeah, another hint....) as she peels away in a cloud of smoke.
9. Ok, so it’s a muscle car, but do guys really drive overpowered, bright red, grocery getters? I really wanted a Charger when she bought this car, but I lost the argument on that one. She wanted something more practical. You know, something you could haul 500 pounds of groceries, or 200 pounds of dog! Yes, two (2) huge German Sheppards and one overweight Jack Russell can actually fit, somewhat comfortably, in the back of the "Stationwagon on Steroids". That is my wife’s pet name for her car, by the way. At this point, you are probably wondering why I mention all of that useless drivel, right? Well, if you have not caught on yet, her comes a real shocker! Oh, did I mention that her car is a RED DODGE MAGNUM and not a gray Dodge Charger? Yes, that is correct, it’s a Charger that you took a picture of, not the Magnum that is registered to me. Go figure. Now, I guess its possible that your camera had some bird doo-doo on the lens or something similar, but I have a few more bits of evidence that will show that is probably not the case.
10. Let’s go back to those grainy photos and focus on the one that less than clearly shows the tag on the subject vehicle. Of course, at this point, we will ignore the fact that it the wrong make, model and color car, and if my wife gets to edit this letter, she will probably be able to tell you it is even a different year model than she has, but I digress (actually, I digressed after the first sentence of this letter, but allow me to indulge myself as I have nothing better to do now that I do not have clients to represent in North Carolina after our courts struck down the red light camera laws). Ok, back to the license plate. Ok, lets take this in easy steps. 1. Is it a North Carolina tag? Yes, it is. Ok, you got me there. 2. Does the tag read HEMI. Yes, it does. Well, you got me there, again, sort of. 3. Is the full tag ID HEMI? No. If you note, this is one of those goofy "I’m a NASCAR redneck fan that has a favorite knuckle draggin’, no drivin’, makin’ too much money, vertically challenged race car driver" vanity plate. For future reference, so you can avoid such nasty grams from more irate North Carolina rednecks like myself, here is how you read a North Carolina vanity plate. If it is a standard tag, like my wife’s, its just HEMI, but for one such as the one in your photo, you read not just the four characters, but also the two vertical characters on the right. In this case, the subject vehicle’s tag ID is HEMINK, not HEMI. Please make a note of that.
Therefore, I trust that I have laid out enough defenses to justify my one man crusade against your unconstitutional red light cameras and that you will be reimbursing my attorney’s fees for having to spend my time preparing this eloquent and down right brilliant responsive pleading.
If it is any further motivation for writing that check, just Git r’ done!
John M. XXX
Attorney at Law
cc: Susan XXX, aka," Lead Footed Stationwagon on Steroids Driver"
2005 Inferno Red Magnum RT
"The Station Wagon on Steroids"