fnky funny

[BlackHemi2005]

THE NIGHT WATCHMAN

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.


Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One was to do the studies and one was to write the reports. Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created two positions: A time keeper and a payroll officer then hired two people. Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $918,000 over budget, we must cut back." So they laid-off the night watchman.

NOW slowly, let it sink in.

Quietly, we go like sheep to slaughter...Does anybody remember the reason given
for the establishment of the DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY during the Carter
administration?

Anybody?

Anything?

No?

Didn't think so!
Bottom line is, we've spent several hundred billion dollars in support of an agency....the reason for which not one person who reads this can remember!

Ready?

It was very simple... and at the time, everybody thought it very appropriate.

The Department of Energy was instituted on 8/04/1977..................
To LESSEN OUR DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL.

Hey, pretty efficient, huh?

AND NOW IT'S 2012 -- 35 YEARS LATER -- AND THE BUDGET FOR THIS "NECESSARY" DEPARTMENT IS AT $24.2 BILLION A YEAR. IT HAS 16,000 FEDERAL EMPLOYEES AND APPROXIMATELY 100,000 CONTRACT EMPLOYEES; AND LOOK AT THE JOB IT
HAS DONE!

(THIS IS WHERE YOU SLAP YOUR FOREHEAD AND SAY, "WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?")
34 years ago 30% of our oil consumption was foreign imports.
Today 70% of our oil consumption is foreign imports.
Ah, yes -- good old Federal bureaucracy.
NOW, WE HAVE TURNED OVER THE BANKING SYSTEM, HEALTH CARE,
AND THE AUTO INDUSTRY TO THE SAME GOVERNMENT?

Hello!
Anybody Home?

Signed,
The Night Watchman

[Zoban]

[MyMinivan]

LOL!

M&M'S "Mock" :15 Commercial - YouTube

[CANDYAPPLE]

What three words do you NEVER want to hear when you are having sex?



















"Honey, I'm home"!!!!!!!!!!!



Cheers CANDYAPPLE

[cracker]

An Arab enters a taxi cab in Dallas , Texas ..........




Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio

because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion

and; in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially

Western music, which is music of the infidel's and certainly no

radio ........




So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, pulls over to

the side, stops the cab and opens the back door.




The Arab asks him: “What are you doing man?”




The Texan answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no

taxis. So get your ass out and wait for a camel.”

[cracker]

Holy Water

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all
perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St.
Peter asks the first girl, " Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with
a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the
head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip the
tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever
had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but
replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, " Okay,
dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One
girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the
front, St.Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl
replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do
it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."

[Zoban]

[Zoban]

[09Charger2.7]

The Scottish Couple

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. When she asked if she could have a bath the lady of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to she could use a tin wash tub in front of the fire

"Monday's the best night because my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't!

[09Charger2.7]

Turpentine vs. Holy Water

A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine...

He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world;

it's called Turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water.

If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'If you rub this turpentine on a cat's ass,

he'll pass a Harley Davidson.'

[09Charger2.7]

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America ,

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as

APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .
And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
' BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2. She is not ' EASY ' - She is
'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a
'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO- BIT HOOKER' - She is a
' LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a ' BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is
' OVERLY CAUCASIAN .'

3. He does not ' GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's
'REAR CLEAVAGE.'

[Zoban]

[gr8ride]

A prison guard is walking down the hallway checking the cells like he always do every night and found this prisoner tying a rope around his ankles. The guard asked him. What the hell are you trying to do?The prisoner replied."I want to hang myself". The guard said. That's not the way to do it, you have to put the rope around your neck if you want to hang yourself. The prisoner locked at him and said. Are you crazy,i just tried that a while ago and i could not breath. lol :-)

[Zoban]

A little boy asking his dad where he came from and his dad telling him " Well we came from apes and evolved from there." Then he goes and ask his mum who tells him" God created Adam and Eve and they had kids and so on so forth." The little boy said "but dad says we come from the apes " To which his mum replies "that is his side of the family he is talking about, i was telling you about mine

[cracker]

It all began with an iPhone...


March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?



I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

Our daughter's birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.




My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.




It was around then that the fight started...

I explained that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean. (This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.)

I should be out of the hospital next week!!





PS: iHurt!!!