View Full Version : The "Funny-stuff" thread...
Plum Krazy
11-21-2008, 12:06 PM
Thought this was funny...had to share.
http://i256.photobucket.com/albums/hh165/PlumKrazy1/MCDhitsAfrica.jpg
Thunder
11-21-2008, 03:23 PM
I have two reponses to that picture.
#1) You want fries with that shake? :roll:
#2) Thats one of those giraffapotomuses I've heard about. :shock:
imahemi
11-21-2008, 03:24 PM
Lmao!!!!
Plum Krazy
11-21-2008, 05:16 PM
Thunder, you must be very tired to have come up with those replys all by yourself...
LMAO!!!
Thunder
11-21-2008, 05:30 PM
Well going on 28 hours straight. Either I'm in a really good mood or I'm so tired everything is funny to me. Just watched the Simpsons and about fell out of my chair. I got the hiccups and its making me laugh harder, hard to type to. Wife and kids laughing at me is not helping.
Plum Krazy
11-21-2008, 06:10 PM
it's their job to laugh at you...
Thunder
11-22-2008, 09:54 AM
Well I made it until about 9p.m. last night or 32 hours. We were watching Madagascar when the wife said I'd be more comfortable coming to bed. I thought "Oh boy!" I fell for her trick! I laid in bed for about 5 to 10 seconds and I was out. Felt good to finally get a good NIGHTs rest. Hopefully only three more weeks of night shift.
Plum Krazy
11-23-2008, 05:08 PM
Things I learned living in Missouri.
1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Missouri
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in Missouri,
plus a couple no one's seen before.
4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
5. 'Onced' and 'Twiced' are words.
6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!
7. 'Jaw-P?' means 'Did ya'll go to the bathroom?'
8. People actually grow and eat okra.
9. 'Fixinto' is one word.
10. There is no such thing as 'lunch'. There is only dinner and then there is supper.
11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two.
12. Backwards and forwards means 'I know everything about you.'
13. The word 'jeet' is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'
14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is,
you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH EM.
16. 'No, Chew?' is a common response to the question
'Did you bring any beer?'
17. You measure distance in minutes.
18. You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.
19. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,
vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
20. You know what a 'DAWG' is.
21. You carry jumper cables in your car --- for your OWN car.
22. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and Ketchup.
23. The local papers cover national and international news on one page,
but require 6 pages for local high school sports and gossip.
24. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
25. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit 'a bit warm'.
26. You know all four seasons: almost summer, summer, still summer,
and Christmas.
27. Going to Wal-Mart (http://www.walmart.com/) is a favorite past time know as 'goin' Wal-Martin'
or 'off to Wally World'.
28. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chicken
stew weather.
29. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
30. We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive,
we can drive, dag-nabbit.
31. You understand these jokes and forward them to your Missouri friends
and those who just wish they were from Missouri
:mrgreen:
Thunder
11-25-2008, 04:53 PM
Wow. Now what did I do?
Plum Krazy
12-17-2008, 02:33 PM
:banana::banana::banana:
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.. The husband
picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you
think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24
cans,' he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the
wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face
cream and puts it in the basket. 'What do you think you're doing?'
asksthe husband. 'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,'
repliesthe wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of
Budweiser and its
half the price.'
On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down' :Na_Na_Na_Na:
Kansas City_Charge
12-17-2008, 04:16 PM
Ha! Priceless lol
Kansas City_Charge
12-17-2008, 04:28 PM
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him.
'My name is Carmen,' she told him.
'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'
'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most
-- cars and men.'
'What's your name?' she asked.
He said, 'B. J. Titsengolf'
Plum Krazy
12-17-2008, 05:29 PM
That's funny stuff right there...LOL
Plum Krazy
12-17-2008, 05:32 PM
The Divorced Barbie Doll
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95,
Shopping Barbie for $19.95,
Beach Barbie for $19.95,
Disco Barbie for $19.95,
Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95,
Skater Barbie for $19.95, and
Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir.., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls
:beerchug:
Thunder
12-17-2008, 06:28 PM
Thats funny and sad all at the same time.
Thunder
12-17-2008, 06:51 PM
Ok, this married couple were very sexually active. There is nothing they wouldn't try, no place they wouldn't do it in. One day during one of their "sessions" the man felt a sharp pain in his chest. They went to the doctor and the doctor said the man had a weak heart and any streneous activities could kill him. Yes that includes sex. They were devistated to say the least. They go home and set down to talk. The man says "I look at you and all I want to do is make love to you all night." The woman says the same thing. They decide it is beter for the man to live downstairs in the spare room. He moves down there and even though he's not sleeping well, things go well for awhile. One night he is laying there and he can here his wife running bath water. He remembers how she would take a bubble bath, light candles and just lay in the tub. Afterwards they would make mad love together. He tried to put it out of his mind, but couldn't. After awhile he can't take it and runs up the stairs where he meets his wife coming down. The man asked, "What are you doing?" The wife replys, "I'm coming down to kill you." The mans says,"Thats funny I was going up to commit suicide."
Kansas City_Charge
12-17-2008, 08:52 PM
The Divorced Barbie Doll
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95,
Shopping Barbie for $19.95,
Beach Barbie for $19.95,
Disco Barbie for $19.95,
Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95,
Skater Barbie for $19.95, and
Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir.., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls
:beerchug:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA that made me laugh out loud at work lol...people are looking at me like I got a problem.
Kansas City_Charge
12-17-2008, 08:54 PM
Ok, this married couple were very sexually active. There is nothing they wouldn't try, no place they wouldn't do it in. One day during one of their "sessions" the man felt a sharp pain in his chest. They went to the doctor and the doctor said the man had a weak heart and any streneous activities could kill him. Yes that includes sex. They were devistated to say the least. They go home and set down to talk. The man says "I look at you and all I want to do is make love to you all night." The woman says the same thing. They decide it is beter for the man to live downstairs in the spare room. He moves down there and even though he's not sleeping well, things go well for awhile. One night he is laying there and he can here his wife running bath water. He remembers how she would take a bubble bath, light candles and just lay in the tub. Afterwards they would make mad love together. He tried to put it out of his mind, but couldn't. After awhile he can't take it and runs up the stairs where he meets his wife coming down. The man asked, "What are you doing?" The wife replys, "I'm coming down to kill you." The mans says,"Thats funny I was going up to commit suicide."
:beerchug::beerchug: Ok Yall need to stop im going to get in trouble at work lol
Plum Krazy
12-17-2008, 10:00 PM
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA that made me laugh out loud at work lol...people are looking at me like I got a problem.
:beerchug::beerchug: Ok Yall need to stop im going to get in trouble at work lol
But it makes your work day go so much better...don't ya think?
Thunder
12-18-2008, 06:53 PM
http://www.lxforums.com/board/customavatars/avatar13619_74.gif Now thats an avatar Ryan!
Anyway, back to funny.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asked,"Why the long face?"... think about it
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says,"Hey we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper replies,"Really?You have drink named Bob?"
Thunder
12-18-2008, 07:08 PM
One more. Its my favorite knock knock joke, you should try it.
Ok, go up to someone and ask them if they want to hear a great knock knock joke.
If and when you get someone, say "Ok, you start it." They say knock knock, you say "Who's there?"
The look on their face when they don't know what to say next just kills me, laugh everytime.
HerDaytona
12-18-2008, 07:14 PM
http://www.lxforums.com/board/customavatars/avatar13619_74.gif
Ryan did someone buy that ^ for you? Just for one night right?
Plum Krazy
12-18-2008, 10:03 PM
Anyway, back to funny.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asked,"Why the long face?"... think about it
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says,"Hey we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper replies,"Really?You have drink named Bob?"
One more. Its my favorite knock knock joke, you should try it.
Ok, go up to someone and ask them if they want to hear a great knock knock joke.
If and when you get someone, say "Ok, you start it." They say knock knock, you say "Who's there?"
The look on their face when they don't know what to say next just kills me, laugh everytime.
Hey, Thunder, don't quit your day job...LOL :Na_Na_Na_Na:
Thunder
12-18-2008, 11:06 PM
Ok, I won't. That is funny though......right? Ricci tried that knock knock joke at work once and she hates to admit it but she said it was funny. So there.....back at ya :Na_Na_Na_Na:
Plum Krazy
12-19-2008, 06:20 AM
:Na_Na_Na_Na::Na_Na_Na_Na::Na_Na_Na_Na:Maybe I'll try it at work too. Maybe it'll be funny...we'll see.
Plum Krazy
12-19-2008, 06:22 AM
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asked,"Why the long face?"... think about it
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says,"Hey we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper replies,"Really?You have drink named Bob?"
I'm picking up a "bar joke" pattern here. Wonder if it's a sign... Hmmm:wink:
Thunder
12-19-2008, 09:04 PM
I'm picking up a "bar joke" pattern here. Wonder if it's a sign... Hmmm:wink:
Ya, maybe a neon sign. :beerchug: :rock:
Plum Krazy
12-19-2008, 09:08 PM
Ya, maybe a neon sign. :beerchug: :rock:
A neon sign saying "Budweiser"!!! :friday:
Plum Krazy
12-19-2008, 09:09 PM
Calvin and the snowmen
http://webmail.everestkc.net/attach.msc?sid=vK6hmYL3xRs&mbox=INBOX&uid=3546&number=4
http://webmail.everestkc.net/attach.msc?sid=vK6hmYL3xRs&mbox=INBOX&uid=3546&number=5
http://webmail.everestkc.net/attach.msc?sid=vK6hmYL3xRs&mbox=INBOX&uid=3546&number=6
http://webmail.everestkc.net/attach.msc?sid=vK6hmYL3xRs&mbox=INBOX&uid=3546&number=7
http://webmail.everestkc.net/attach.msc?sid=vK6hmYL3xRs&mbox=INBOX&uid=3546&number=8
http://webmail.everestkc.net/attach.msc?sid=vK6hmYL3xRs&mbox=INBOX&uid=3546&number=9
http://webmail.everestkc.net/attach.msc?sid=vK6hmYL3xRs&mbox=INBOX&uid=3546&number=10
http://webmail.everestkc.net/attach.msc?sid=vK6hmYL3xRs&mbox=INBOX&uid=3546&number=11
http://webmail.everestkc.net/attach.msc?sid=vK6hmYL3xRs&mbox=INBOX&uid=3546&number=12
http://webmail.everestkc.net/attach.msc?sid=vK6hmYL3xRs&mbox=INBOX&uid=3546&number=13
http://webmail.everestkc.net/attach.msc?sid=vK6hmYL3xRs&mbox=INBOX&uid=3546&number=14
http://webmail.everestkc.net/attach.msc?sid=vK6hmYL3xRs&mbox=INBOX&uid=3546&number=15
http://webmail.everestkc.net/attach.msc?sid=vK6hmYL3xRs&mbox=INBOX&uid=3546&number=16
http://webmail.everestkc.net/attach.msc?sid=vK6hmYL3xRs&mbox=INBOX&uid=3546&number=17
http://webmail.everestkc.net/attach.msc?sid=vK6hmYL3xRs&mbox=INBOX&uid=3546&number=18
Plum Krazy
12-19-2008, 09:12 PM
http://webmail.everestkc.net/attach/image002.jpg?sid=vK6hmYL3xRs&mbox=INBOX&charset=escaped_unicode&uid=3534&number=5&filename=image002.jpg
Thunder
12-19-2008, 09:32 PM
Wish I could see your last two posts. All I see is little white box with a red x in it. (not very funny) :roll:
Thunder
12-19-2008, 09:37 PM
Did you hear about the remedial terrorist? As a final exam he tried to blow up a car. He had to be rushed to the hospital, burnt his lips on the tailpipe!
Plum Krazy
12-22-2008, 06:24 AM
I'll try them again when I get home today or tomorrow. We been having real bad computer issues this weekend & part of last week. :banghead: I'll see what I can do. Sorry bout that...they posted okay on my end when I did a post preview. I'll work on it. :blam:
Plum Krazy
12-22-2008, 06:45 AM
A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident." :tinfoilhat:
The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing " That' s horrible! !! So many men dying that way! " :panic:
Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved." :tinfoilhat:
After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?" :bahdumcha:
Thunder
12-22-2008, 10:25 PM
I like that one!! :thumbs_u:
Ok, how do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree?
answer: Wave to her.
(old one but makes me laugh):roll:
Plum Krazy
12-23-2008, 06:15 AM
ROFLMAO!!!! That was a good one!!! :beerchug:
vikingboy18
12-23-2008, 06:31 AM
LMAO!!! I love blond jokes! My mom's blond and that makes them that much funnier (and true)!!! My turn (an oldie so I apologize if you've heard it before)
A blond woman gets pulled over for speeding by a blond female police officer. The officer walks up to the window and asks the driver for her drivers license. The driver says, "what's a drivers license?" The officer says, "It's a rectangular card with your picture on it." The blond digs through her purse, pulls out a mirror, looks at it, and hands it to the blond officer. The officer looks at it and says, "You should have told me you were a cop. I would have let you go a long time ago."
:doh:
Plum Krazy
12-23-2008, 09:55 AM
LMAO!!! I love blond jokes! My mom's blond and that makes them that much funnier (and true)!!! My turn (an oldie so I apologize if you've heard it before)
A blond woman gets pulled over for speeding by a blond female police officer. The officer walks up to the window and asks the driver for her drivers license. The driver says, "what's a drivers license?" The officer says, "It's a rectangular card with your picture on it." The blond digs through her purse, pulls out a mirror, looks at it, and hands it to the blond officer. The officer looks at it and says, "You should have told me you were a cop. I would have let you go a long time ago."
:doh:
Now that was funny!!! ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!:banana::banana::banana:
05silvhemimag
12-23-2008, 06:17 PM
haha all funnie but my turn, sorry isnt a joke but real life, my wife is blond and i dont mean to dog on her but we were siting out side and she is smoking and my dads chevey 1500 hd is there and she looks at me and says "what dose HD mean?? HIGH DEFINITION??" hahahahaha. no silly hevey duty.lol she clames she was playing with me but i laughed so hard when she said that.
vikingboy18
12-24-2008, 03:11 AM
"what dose HD mean?? HIGH DEFINITION??"
LMAO!!! It's amazing what they're doing with technology these days!!! LOL!!! Thanks for that, it was great. Also reminded me of something my mom would say!!! :mrgreen:
Thunder
12-24-2008, 08:06 PM
Have you heard of Santa's new reindeer? His name is Randolf. You can tell him apart from the other reindeer by his brown nose. He can fly as well as the others, he just can't stop as fast!! :mrgreen:
AWD_Gabe
12-24-2008, 08:31 PM
Saw this one in the latest Maxxim mag:
Why don't Ken & Barbie have any kids ?
Because Ken comes in a different box ;)
HerDaytona
12-24-2008, 08:46 PM
OK Gabe that"s cute. btw How is that sexy exhaust coming??? It would drive me crazy just making it sit in the corner.
AWD_Gabe
12-24-2008, 08:51 PM
OK Gabe that"s cute. btw How is that sexy exhaust coming??? It would drive me crazy just making it sit in the corner.
For now it's still sitting in the corner of the living room .... lol
vikingboy18
12-24-2008, 10:42 PM
This is great!!! We should keep this post going forever. It keeps giving me new jokes to tell to my coworkers. If we keep it going long enough, I just may start to be known as the life of the party!!! LOL!!!
"I used to be considered boring and I had no friends. But now, thanks to lxforums.com, I always have something witty to say and I get invited to all the great parties! Thanks lxforums.com for saving my social life from certain death!" :mrgreen:
ROFLMAO!!!
Plum Krazy
12-25-2008, 07:28 AM
This is great!!! We should keep this post going forever. It keeps giving me new jokes to tell to my coworkers. If we keep it going long enough, I just may start to be known as the life of the party!!! LOL!!!
"I used to be considered boring and I had no friends. But now, thanks to lxforums.com, I always have something witty to say and I get invited to all the great parties! Thanks lxforums.com for saving my social life from certain death!" :mrgreen:
ROFLMAO!!!
Well, you know...anything we can do to help out a social life...:mrgreen:
I agree...we need to keep this thread going. :beerchug:
cadzilla74
12-25-2008, 10:15 AM
Ummmm, hate to burst your bubble guys, but this thread has been a sticky since 8/23/05
http://www.lxforums.com/board/showthread.php?t=16539&highlight=fnky+funny
Started by our own FnkyChicken, it is THE place to post jokes on LXForums ... it has 779 posts and 19,146 views.
But if y'all want to compete with that, be my guest.
Plum Krazy
12-25-2008, 12:18 PM
Interesting...a challenge. Hmmm... I wonder if we're up to the challenge to compete with the FnkyChicken man... Hmmm :mrgreen:
Thunder
12-25-2008, 01:03 PM
Burst our bubble? WTH? I'm sorry you got coal in your stocking Cadzilla, we are just here to make each other laugh. Did you know there are other threads on other club forums doing the same thing? Don't think its a competition. Maybe I got up too early and take this the wrong way, if I did then Happy Holidays to you to.
(spell checked by Mrs. Thunder)
Plum Krazy
12-25-2008, 03:57 PM
(spell checked by Mrs. Thunder)
ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :Na_Na_Na_Na:
Hi, Mrs Thunder... :beerchug:
cadzilla74
12-31-2008, 05:09 AM
No flame intended ... was just pointing out there is an ongoing humor thread ... was just a suggestion to maybe post the funnies in the other thread for the sake of continuity ... have fun.
redinorange
12-31-2008, 08:25 AM
We need more Mrs. Thunder's around here...
Thunder
12-31-2008, 09:04 AM
I hear ya. The thought of having more than one for some reason has put a smile on my face. :mrgreen: Mrs. Thunder----> :roll:
Plum Krazy
12-31-2008, 06:21 PM
I hear ya. The thought of having more than one for some reason has put a smile on my face. :mrgreen: Mrs. Thunder----> :roll:
Do you want another "Mrs Thunder" so you have specll check when Ricci's at work? :wink:
Thunder
12-31-2008, 07:31 PM
Do you want another "Mrs Thunder" so you have specll check when Ricci's at work? :wink:
among other things that need doing around here. Wink wink nudge nudge, know what I mean, know what I mean? :wink:
Plum Krazy
01-02-2009, 10:17 AM
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo,......just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot. :mrgreen:
vikingboy18
01-03-2009, 06:25 AM
lmao!!!
Thunder
01-03-2009, 11:04 AM
lmao!!!
x2!!
Thunder
01-10-2009, 01:45 AM
What do you call a dog with no legs? Answer-- It doesn't matter, he won't come anyway. :bahdumcha:
Plum Krazy
01-10-2009, 07:09 PM
roflmao
Plum Krazy
01-12-2009, 03:11 PM
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Local
Shopping Centre and rolled down the car windows to
make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
'Now you stay. Do you hear me?'
'Stay! Stay!'
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said..............
'Why don't you just put it in park ? :Na_Na_Na_Na:
Plum Krazy
01-14-2009, 07:05 PM
A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas , walks into a bar and orders
three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'
The cowgirl replies, 'Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia , the other is in Dublin . When we all left our home in Arkansas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself.'
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'
The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. 'Oh, no, everybody's just fine,' she explains, 'It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church .... and I had to quit drinking.'
'Hasn't affected my sisters though.'
:bahdumcha:
Thunder
01-14-2009, 10:20 PM
ROTFLMAO!
How do you drown a blonde?
Install a mirror at the bottom of a swimming pool.
This one was given to me, thinking of giving it back!
Thunder
01-19-2009, 10:36 PM
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed.
I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it stupid ,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . ..
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-GUN , THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I crapped myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.
Plum Krazy
01-20-2009, 09:27 AM
After reading this last post, why is it that I don't feel suprised??? :blam:
Plum Krazy
01-20-2009, 11:06 AM
Last month Mississippi State University scientists released the results of a recent analysis
that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens); therefore, by drinking enough beer, men can turn into women!
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 pints of beer within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1. Argued over nothing.
2. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3. Gained weight.
4. Talked excessively without making sense.
5. Became overly emotional.
6. Couldn't drive.
7. Failed to think rationally.
8. Had to sit down to urinate.
No further testing was considered necessary. :friday::friday::friday::friday::friday:
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